Ignorance is Bliss

I shamefully must admit I have found myself to be angry at God for making me who I am. For allowing me see the world I now know. For allowing me to experience the wickedness of mankind to such a depth that it crippled my very soul. A soul that is left to fight with a limp against a world who stands tall in mockery.

These are words I never thought I would allow myself to think yet alone write for anyone to read. So, shamefully, I tell you, I have questioned the very nature of God. I have mourned the pain inflicted upon me, pain at times that I have enabled to happen to me, and even some I have caused myself. And in my desperation to cease the cruelty of the lingering evil wedged within my bones, I blamed God.

I longed for my younger years where I sat in ignorance to the grand capability of the world to pour out mounds of cruelty. I longed for the day that my pride allowed me to stay quiet excusing the behavior of my foes. I longed for the life that I hated dearly but controlled so efficiently. I longed for what I might not call as better days but easier.

“Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain.”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭1‬:‭18‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬

I longed for the bliss of my earlier ignorance. Yet, the fight within my very spirit stood in rage against me. Against the vanity of my own flesh. A vanity I too often come face to face with. A vanity prided in being perceived as unproblematic, pure in heart, and selfless in every moment. And as my flesh grew in sorrow, my spirit burned with fire.    

At first glance one may perceive my words to be harsh, critical, or cruel and while I am not exempt from these wicked behaviors, they are not the sum of truth I often groan to speak. Words I once wished to never know. Words that now hold a sum of revelation too true for any simple hearted man to desire to understand.

Life is much easier when we say “well God uses everyone”. Life is much easier to say “well we all fall short, just be more gracious” Life is much easier to live when we never do the hard work that it takes to hold our brothers and sisters accountable as God directed (Matthew 18). Life is much easier when we believe we are good. When we believe we aren’t in battle with an evil contained within the barriers of our own hearts.

Shamefully, I must admit, I at times envy the simple minded. I envy the friends who are joyous and carefree, reflecting on none of the hardships of the world. Placing only a certain sum of pity to a “unfortunate” story only to forget in the next gluttony we fill in our life. This I shamefully, envy of my old self.

Yet, only by the crippled and wounded willing spirit within me, I find that I do despise the very action of that ignorance of thought. An ignorance blinded to the sin that could be the cost of another human soul.

Ignorance is bliss my friends, and bliss will always be the corruption of what is truly good. I am sure the wrestle with the weight of grief all my life, yet I hold fast to my integrity and I hold tight to the coming of the Son when all will be made right. A righteousness exemplified only in the most joyful moments of my life, that only can still but reflect as a vanity in comparison for the world that is to come.

“The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person. For God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil.”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭12‬:‭13‬-‭14‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬