Life After Abuse

Abuse takes place in many different forms and extremities. A fact I wasn’t aware of for quite a long time. Abuse is yelling profanities at someone you have power over physically or spiritually. Abuse is hitting someone across the face. Abuse is sexually taking advantage of someone. These are methods of abuse that no one would argue is indeed abusive. It is clear and it is evident, often leaving traces behind that confirm what has taken place.

What abuse also is, is silence that manipulates someone after being the one to cause them pain. Abuse is using scripture to coerce and shame someone you are with. Abuse is making one question the truth in reality. Abuse is manipulating others with charm in order to get what it is that you want. Abuse is being aware of abuse and choosing to look the other way.

It is a hard pill to swallow. Believe me, only up until a few months ago would I ever even use the term abuse. It felt extreme and it felt, well.. weak, to be the victim to it. And while I was met with love from a lot of friends, I was also met with words that stripped me and fought me on a path toward healing.

For quite a time in seeking help I was told that it was my fault; “I should have known better”, “I told you so”, “you’re being extreme”, “well they’re nice to me and really supportive”, and “at least it wasn’t physical and sexual abuse”.

Let me be simple, abuse is never the victim’s fault. Before abuse, I could not have known what I didn’t know. I knew that love was to be full of forgiveness and mercy. Love was to extend kindness in the midst of hardship and pain. I can except that my naivety kept me in the abuse, but I won’t apologize for it, and neither should anyone else. I love that I could see the best in others, I love that I chose to hope for the best, I love that I was forgiving and merciful in the way that God asked me to be. It was not my fault that someone could take something so beautiful and use it to benefit the evil within themselves.

That was not my fault.

Now, after everything was said and done, my brain did some crazy things, things I regret and things I had no control over. I became obsessive with trying to solve the puzzle of what I did wrong. I fought for delusion to seek a way to reconcile and amend. I became hopeless once I could find no solution. I became desperate for someone, really anyone, to listen to me. I so desperately hated the love that was in me because I blamed it for what had happened to me. And finally, I just became angry and bitter toward everyone. And the feelings I chose to fight against, once I gave my life over to the Lord, came barreling back into my mind. Suffocating me like a noose around the neck.

A noose that I falsely identified as protection. Turns out no one really wants to be around you when you’re angry and bitter all the time. While I welcomed it quite nicely for a season, It was not somewhere I wanted to remain. And that took time. It didn’t change over night or even in a year or even in two years. It took months of fighting the lies inside myself and the lies spoken over me. It was many days spent in tears until the only thing left in me was to fall asleep. It was bitter words that came out of me attempting to find peace. It was a lot of hateful language and talk that was tough for any listening ear. And it was exactly where God needed me to be so He could heal me.

Abuse changed me, and it ruggedly allowed the enemy to sink his claws into my wounded soul.

Abuse changed me, and it opened the possibility of knowing true love for the first time in my life.

For that I am eternally thankful. After a few years of processing and reconciling myself back to God I realize God used it for my good. He used the pain, the hardship, the abuse, all of it all for my good. All so that I might know Him and the purity of His love in a way that will have me transformed forever. A love that is expressive and tangible. A love that weighs down upon me like a weighted blanket in the midst of my fears and my trembling’s. A love that holds justice and mercy well within His grasp to balance. A love that heals all wounds. A love so good that justice could never come until the day of Christ’s return and, that love itself… would always be enough for me.

Maybe that love could be enough for you too?

“My brothers and sisters, consider it nothing but joy when you fall into all kinds of trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect effect, so that you will be perfect and complete, not deficient in anything.” James 1:2-4