The Love of the Father

I find it amazing that the Lord could ever love someone like me.

I've always asked the question how and why does the Lord love me. Often in anger and shame I didn’t want to receive it because I knew I wasn’t deserving of it. I realize now it's because I was desperate, but I wasn't more desperate for Jesus than I was for a perfect appearance.

I stand now in awe because even if just for this moment I realize what a gift I have received. What a privilege it is to be loved by our most holy Savior.

What is amazing about this repeated revelation is not even two weeks prior to writing this I screamed into the sky “Do you hate me?” Followed by a series of why me and why this and where are you. It was real, it was painful, it was my most feared moment in life, angry without restraint toward my perfect and holy God.

Yet, somehow in this moment of complete shame and anger I found that God led me to the deepest form of trust with Him.

Trust that I could display the disgustingly awful truth of who I am. Selfish, bitter, righteous in all the wrong ways, and still He will always love me.

He didn’t rebuke me for my display of emotion or cut me off in my deepest moment of anger. He drew me in.

What I often hope for is a change in my circumstance to make following Him easier, which He has done before. But this time it isn't a change in my circumstance that I need, but rather it is an ask for me to press in. The easy route isn't an option anymore because God has much more in store. And He loves me too much to make me dependent on the circumstances around me. So this time He's just holding me right where I am and reminding me that He understands.

So as we begin to reflect on the story of Christ’ crucifixion we must remember our gift is this. A blessing not for a better life now, or a perfect circumstance now, or even in a perfect painless posture now. Our blessing is in our salvation. Salvation that points us to the hidden glory that was, and is, and is to come. A promise fulfilled from yesterday, a hope to cling to today, and a Kingdom that is to come. A new heaven, a new earth, a new kingdom perfect in all its nature.

And I run into the arms of my Father because somehow, me; a broken, lost, and hopeless case, is found blameless to enter into His presence for all of eternity. And what's even better is I get to tell the whole world and plead for all to join in this adventure with our King.

Somehow shame turns to rejoicing. And somehow in the midst of stagnant lingering pain, life can feel more meaningful than it ever has.

So, where else could I ever want to go?

No where except to the Love of the Father.